WHERE EVERYBODY KNOWS DEAN'S NAME
On the phone last night Chris R., I struggled to come up with an analogy for Howard Dean's latest gaffe, helpfully detailed here by the New York Times. It's a fun one, but may require a bit of explanation.
Asked to pick a favorite book from the New Testament, Dean unhesitatingly picked Job, adding that he doesn't like how it ends.
That's an odd answer, given a couple of facts. One, Job is in the Old Testament. In fact, it may be the oldest book in the entire Bible, since there's some evidence that it hails from a time that predates Moses. Two, Job has a happy ending. What's not to like about a story that ends with a guy who had been beset by all manner of misfortune getting the answers that he needs (straight from God, no less), getting pretty much his entire life restored to him, and getting to live out the rest of his days in peace? Which part of this does Dean not like? Oh, he tried some song and dance about "alternate endings" and so forth, but it's unconvincing. The Gospel of Mark has a tacked on Chapter 16 that doesn't appear in some early manuscripts--it's the part about the snakes. But Dean didn't pick Mark. He picked Job, and Job scholarship has been settled for quite a while now.
But in talking about all this with Chris, I tried in vain to compare Dean to that kid in school who'd always raise his hand in class, only to give the wrong answer when the teacher called on him. But when she asked the next question, up that hand would go, and out would come the wrong answer again. Without fail.
But that analogy really won't do. That kid was sort of a suck up, but not really all that annoying. Truth is, I sort of liked him. He kept the teacher from calling on me. He made the rest of us feel smarter. He meant well.
No, Dean's gaffines is something else. There's a compulsive nature to it, but it's not coming from a place of suckupness. It's equal parts cockiness, as though he actually thinks he knows what he's talking about and wants to show us all how much he knows, and immaturity, in that he just can't keep his thoughts to himself even when conversations turn to matters he knows little about. He's sort of like the little rich kid who always had the newest toy and just had to lord it over us regular kids. What a prig he was!
James Carville says Dean acts like he's had a political lobotomy, which isn't a bad way to put it. I'd say it's more like political Tourettes Syndrome--Dean just can't help uttering stupidity at the slightest urging. The man grins--grins!--when his fawning supporters ask him if the latest US death in Iraq proves he was right about Saddam's capture not making us any safer.
But there's another layer to it, and I couldn't put my finger on it until I was wasting time last night channel surfing, not quite wide awake and not quite ready to give up on the weekend. I hit TV Land, which was running a retrospective on Cheers. On came a montage of the characters, and that's when it hit me:
Howard Dean is Cliff Claven! He's the bar know-it-all nitwit, the guy who won't shut up for a nanosecond, and whose endless blather just exposes his ignorance
Evidence: It's bleeding obvious to all serious Christians of Southern extraction that Dean ain't one of us. He quit his church over a bike path, for crying out loud. If we quit our church, it's because the preacher won't quit begging for money or something like that. Important stuff. And then Dean hopes to keep Southerners from thinking about God, guns and gays when we vote next year--no Christian would want voters to ignore God. The other two are debatable, but no real man of faith would say what Dean said and expect to be taken seriously on religious matters.
But he's been out there lately trying to convince people that he's a sincere man of faith. He's mentioned the J-word a few times (in modern America, the J-word being "Jesus"--we're not in Iran, so the J-word isn't code for Jew, and we're not in Germany, so it's not Juden either). He hopes that will suffice, give him the right to check off that box on his To-Do that says "Be obviously religious because many people who vote think that's important."
Then along comes the Times, wanting a little detail. Ok Mister Christian, show us what you're made of. Pick a favorite book from the New Testament.
For any real Christian, that should be easy. Avoid the part of the Bible from Genesis to Malachi. Matthew's cool. Mark is breezy and action packed. Luke is technical and immediate. John is deeply philosophical. Any one of these will do. Acts is good for tales of courage and heroism. Romans is good for theology. I could go on, but you get the point. When asked what's your favorite book from the New Testament, it's probably a good idea to actually pick a book from the New Testament. Otherwise you look stupid.
But Howard Dean Claven compounded his error by editorializing, which is his second mistake. He not only picked Job (an OT book), but said that he didn't like its ending. Serious Christians don't say that about any Biblical book, even if they secretly think it. Some will say they don't like Ecclesiastes or Lamentations because they're depressing, but they won't say "I like Book X but think it could use a re-write." It's just not something we do. We figure that God ultimately wrote the Bible--it's His call as to how things flow and come to a conclusion. Dean comes across as though he wants to get into a director's cut and rework the Good Book. Not cool.
That's just the kind of thing know-it-alls do, isn't it. They blather on about something that they know exactly one or two superficial things about, and when you challenge them (supposing you can get enough air to challenge them), they just compouned error upon error rather than just admit that they don't know what they're talking about.
But Dean makes it even worse. Turn with me if you will to the Times:
Touring [Israel] with the American Israel Public Affairs Committee, Dr. Dean also visited Galilee, where Jesus preached the Sermon on the Mount. "If you know much about the Bible — which I do — to see and be in a place where Christ was and understand the intimate history of what was going on 2,000 years ago is an exceptional experience," he said.
Real Christians, well, those of us who aren't full time ministers, never lay claim to knowing much about the Bible. Even if we do. Dr. Dean, it's called "humility." Look into it. Humility is one of the "fruits of the Spirit." Look into them, too.
And then there's this:
Asked again about his favorite part of the New Testament, Dr. Dean said, "Anything in the Gospels."
"Anything in the Gospels" is the kind of answer you expect from someone who's been cornered and is now just being flip to get past the trouble. The know-it-all, caught painting himself into a corner, tries to blunder past his inquisitor. But he just gets paint all over himself.
Howard Dean is Cliff Claven: An obnoxious know-nothing know-it-all who just can't help telling us how smart he is, even though we can all see that he's really not all that smart.
MORE: Bill Safire, who actually wrote a book about Job, supplies additional detail.
MORE: Make that Dr. Cliff Claven.