I was going to take some time To address the failure of local religious and otherwise leaders to put a sizable dent in a problem that has ballooned to monstrous proportions recently. Undoubtedly you’ve probably caught the faint sulfur dioxide olfactory aura of this pressing problem whilst engaged in fighting off sleep in the midst of the latest television assault on our collective senses – the evening “news”. Yes the city fathers and the archbishop have gotten the panties in a twist over a plague that threatens the very loose and thin fabric which barely contains the dregs of civilized discourse and real stopping power. And it’s getting worse. Recently a well renowned Republican figure was forced to confront his own frailty of human nature, as he was forced by public pressure to directly atone for his grave and disgusting social faux pax.
From the New York Times, August 19th: “Although you’re probably still a-buzz after the successful passing of legislation I sponsored requiring mandatory ass-gaskets for all public facilities, my accomplishment is, I suspect, somewhat blemished by troubling thoughts and barely audible curses spat in my general direction, the result of a possible qualm I no doubt supplanted in the minds of my constituents with concrete affect concerning events of a delicate nature that occurred the other day whilst on a short break from the rigors and late summer heat of D.C.. I feel an apology is owed or at least a feasible clarification is appropriate, as well as a rapid rapprochement in case feelings were damaged or one’s sense of decency and the parameters of good taste were breached beyond repair. For the record and in front of all that is holy and righteous, what I mean to suggest in the spirit of humor was not meant in any way to imply that I consider the use of my local municipal public swimming pool as my personal urinal or bed pan. Nor should it be misunderstood by implication that municipal swimming pools also often contains a deodorizing urinal cake (strawberry scented, no less) contained within a plastic mesh guard container, designed to prevent solid objects such as cigarette butts, small photographs of George Bush or Dick Cheney, Juicyfruit gum, or various grades of used paper from being flushed and possibly causing a plumbing stoppage. As much of a gargantuan misinterpretation as this could possibly be taken, it does not take very much imagination to deduce that a reasonable person of average intelligence could extrapolate this false impression to a ridiculous heights of absurdity where they would consider any public recreation facility a small building or other structure, in which such toilets are contained for medical purposes, or to use where access to washroom facilities are not possible, such as in small aircraft or some of the more popular low-end massage parlors. Please humbly accept my act of contrition in case the aforementioned misapprehension in fact has come to mind, and let me know if there’s anything I can do to clear the air of this malfeasance. And for the record, I use the proper facilities, and no, I don’t urinate on toilet seats or in the milk cartons. Oddly enough, some radical feminists, or otherwise persons not possessing a penis, have condemned the practice of men standing to urinate as sexist and politically incorrect, not to mention the fact that they always miss no matter what they say to the contrary. Some universities in Germany have removed urinals after protests by feminists and pencil-dick Rockabilly homosexuals. In Germany, toilet ghosts have been sold for public places and homes because standing while urinating is now viewed by many as too sexist. If a man raises the seat of a regular toilet to urinate, the “toilet ghost” , in a voice that imitates former German chancellor Gerhard Schroeder, enunciates the phrase ‘Hey, stand peeing is not allowed here and you will be punished with fines, so if you don’t want any trouble, you’d best sit down’. But I digress. I do not pee in pools
