Junkers for Junkies

Perhaps your driving record isn't the best in the world. Perhaps you don't have a major credit card. Perhaps you're not really "on the books" or "in the system" or "known to anyone but your Moms by a nickname".

Yet, you need a car. Perhaps you have a court date, or a crime to commit. What to do?

Don't worry! For the price of a few rocks of crack, you can rent a functional automobile:

BIRMINGHAM, Ala. — A growing number of crack cocaine users are renting out their cars in exchange for drugs, a deal that in most cases seems to work well for both the dealer and the addict, according to a new study released by the University of Alabama at Birmingham.

It also shows there is still some honor among thieves.

Roughly two to four rocks of crack cocaine equates to about three to four hours of drive time in "rock rentals," said UAB criminologist Heith Copes. Also known as dope pawns or crack rentals, the practice seems to be becoming more prevalent, Copes said.

It helps the crackheads who have apparently retained the self-control not to sell their car, because apparently people don't like crackheads and beat the snot out of them. Instead this way they get to stay home and smoke crack without getting beat up, and their car gets put to its highest and best use.

Here's a testimonial from one satisfied customer:

Rufus told researchers he used rock rentals to run errands he wouldn't have been able to do otherwise. "I can go to my baby's momma's house right quick. I had to bring her to the clinic and I happened to pick up my little sister and them from school. I went and picked my homeboys (up)."

There's no end to human ingenuity, is there?