Huckabee in the debate: "We Had No Bridges Falling Down In Arkansas"

Transcript continues...Take that, you slackers in Minnesota and Oklahoma.

That was my grand vision for Arkansas: preventing collapses of the basic infrastructure that everyone takes for granted. People said it couldn't be done--zero bridge collapses in two terms as governor? Unheard of! Impossible! But against all odds, somehow, I succeeded.

But there's more. I also want to point out my fantastic record on bladder control. Not once, as governor of Arkansas, did I lose control and urinate on myself during a press conference or public gathering. I know, it sounds like a pie-in-the-sky too good-to-be-true plan, just like those non-collapsing bridges. Again, naysayers said it couldn't be done, and I'll tell you...it was a struggle. I had to raise taxes five times to accomplish that goal of not wetting my pants, but not only did I accomplish it, I was able to refrain from exposing myself at these events as well. Once again, I raised expectations, and I exceeded them. I am proud of this achievement. It shows the sort of iron will and self discipline above and beyond the call of duty that makes me the most qualified man on this stage tonight to be your President. Also, possibly, the driest.

You know what else we didn't have in Arkansas? Disastrous Hurricanes. Take note, Jindal. And terrorist-hijacked planes flying into skyscrapers? Not part of the Huckabee record, unlike others on this podium I could name, right, Mayor Giuliani? This is important, because I am about looking forward, preparing for the future, not backwards and worshipping our ancestors, like I understand the Mormons do.

Shark attacks: Not one Arkansan was killed by a great white, tiger shark, or mako shark while I was governor of Arkansas. I attribute this to my leadership in establishing a faith-based, bilingual shark education program that was promulgated throughout Arkansas public schools at a cost of only $50 million. The "Shiite" republicans--pardon my language--raised a stink about that--pardon my language-- but that's the price of leadership, my leadership, because of which Arkansas children slumber peacefully in their beds, knowing that Pastor Huck and their good buddy Jesus "J.C." Christ are keeping them safe from the jaws of blood-soaked soulless doll-eyed predators rampaging through Arkansas.

Well, er, some predators , anyway. But that's not important now. There's more. Alien abductions were kept to an absolute zero during my tenure as governor of Arkansas, unless you count the Ezekiel McClatchy incident up in Yellville but that's disputed and possibly induced by moonshine. Which, if elected President, I will ban.

Anyway, I think that "Strengthening America's defenses against Flying Saucers" is more than a President Kucinich is willing to promise you. Kucinich wants to appease the flying saucers, but I know that the alien overlords, unlike the Iranian mullahs, just can't be trusted to act in America's best interest. So I'll update America's galactic-invader defense armada, no matter how much of your money I have to spend in order to do it.

Because I'm all about raising expectations. And hope. And taxes.

(JYB Tailwag: HH.)